365 photo Project - Day 150

Taken: May 30, 2010, approx. 10 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca

When my husband and I sold our house in Santa Monica and moved up here, we figured it wouldn't be long before we'd be able to buy something new up here. That was almost four years ago and our dream of owning property again seems as unlikely as ever. We're both freelancers. When we work, we do quite well but we sometimes go for long stretches without getting jobs and that sucks. Big time.

The year we moved up here was the Hollywood strike year. Up to that point, I'd had a pretty good run. As some of you know, I've been fortunate to work on some pretty iconic TV shows, including 24 and the Law & Order franchise. I even developed a few shows, though none of them made it on the air. Still, I didn't expect to be having so much trouble finding work after so many years of doing so well.

Lucky for me I have my novels and the shows I did write for, continue to provide residuals. Yet, it's been difficult. Hollywood is one of those industries that opens doors wide and closes them fast. You have to be smart and good an agile, you have to have a thick skin and you can't take any of it personally. There is a long list of Hollywood success stories that came after long stretches of not being able to find work. You can't start a career in this business without understanding you are going to have a dryspell at some point. It happens to almost everybody.

The most important thing to remember in those lean times, is to keep writing and creating and to never lose faith in your own talent. I'm one of those people that believe cream rises always. I believe in hard work and I mostly always believe in myself. I admit, though, it's been tough to keep the faith these last few months and that's why I've been writing so hard and so much lately. I want to reclaim what I had and I want it before it's too late, whenever the hell that is.

I feel close, too. Closer than I've felt in a long time. I know I've never wanted anything for myself so much, that's for damn sure.

365 Photo Project - Day 148

Taken: May 28, 2010, approx 3 pm
Location: Healdsburg, Ca

I probably write too much about the weather but today was such a sparklingly beautiful afternoon, that I just couldn't stand being inside. I had to make a trip over the hill into Napa Valley (to see a young friend in his school play) and it gave me a chance to take in the sunshine and relatively clear skies. It feels like spring is finally here to stay, though it's been a tease for much of the month of May so I'm not betting on anything.

Apologies for the last few brief posts. I'm trying to catch my breath these last couple of days and I'm pretty worn out from an intense writing week. Sometimes when I tap the old brain cells, nothing good comes out of them.

365 Photo Project - Day 137

Taken: May 17, 2010, 10 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, CA

I slept through the night last night. First full night's sleep in more days than I can remember. It felt good to wake up with the lightness of a good rest. Sometimes I forget how important it is.

I used to take naps every day. I read an article how a 20-minute nap around three in the afternoon could do wonders for your energy,  rejuvenate the mind and body and so I decided to try it. I had this job on a weekly paper in a small town outside Washington, D.C., which was about a mile from my house. So I got to eating lunch at my desk most days, then sneaking home for an hour in the mid-afteroon for a 20-minute nap (yeah, I timed it). Afterward, I'd go back to work and feel like a new person. I don't know if it was my youth or the nap or the fact that I exercised like a mad person back in those days, but I remember feeling sharper, quicker, more on my game, especially when I took that quick little power nap.

Plus I loved the feeling of crawling into bed in the middle of the day, letting sleep was over me. Those first few moments when my eyes got heavy and I started to fall into dreamland were addicting they felt so good. Over time my body got so used to the routine, I could fall asleep around 3 p.m. on cue. The tough days were the ones when I couldn't break free to get my 40 winks. I'd have to drag myself through the afternoon like I had lead in my shoes.

I used to write in my head when I slept. Whole sentences, paragraphs, pages would appear to me in my dreams. Not all of it was usable but it was a big part of my writing process. It's how I wrote the opening page of my first novel.  I wonder sometimes if getting older makes us slower not because we're older age-wise, but because all the small stuff suddenly seems so important. We have bills to pay, responsibilities. people who rely on us. In some ways I feel I've let this steal my creativity, like boxing it up on the top shelf or storing it in the attic.

Could it all be because I don't nap anymore?

Writers have to work almost every day. Believe me, it's not easy. And by not easy, I'm not comparing it to digging ditches. It's just hard to maintain faith in yourself. This is something I talk a lot about here. It's possible, I'm having a crisis of creative confidence.  Even saying this, I know I'm making progress. I'm putting myself out there and I'm writing. Every day. But it's a bitch when you know in your heart you're making progress and yet you've nothing to show for it.

Then I think perhaps I'm thinking about it all wrong. I should listen more to my writing hero, James Lee Burke. You can't be worrying about all that extraneous shit. Focus on the work. Take it one day at a time and believe in your vision and see it through and you'll know when it's done. When it works.

Jim Burke is a smart man. I've got his words on my wall over my writing desk and in a real sense, I feel I'm starting to recapture that post-nap euphoria of my youth.

Trust the work, keep my head down and plow ahead.

Watch out world, I'm coming.

365 Photo Project - Day 128

Taken: May 8, 2010, approx. 2:30 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca

When we first moved up to Healdsburg, we lived at the end of an almost three-mile road that started out paved and then turned into a mix of gravel and dirt, winding in a single lane of climbs and switch backs and ending at the house we rented. It was a 20-minute trip from driveway to the bottom of the road (and the mailbox) which pretty much made spontaneous trips to the supermarket a real drag.

Sometimes we would go for days -- and in stretches of really bad weather as long as a week -- without going into town. It was a beautiful spot, the last place at the very end of the road and for awhile, we loved being there. I didn't think we'd find a place near town that would have the same "end of the line" feel, but we did and frankly, I'm loving being five minutes from the center of things now. Part of me wishes we had moved sooner.

That road was a big deal for us during the time we lived off of it. It defined us, a living metaphor for the change we made in our lives -- trading in the city of Angels for an angelic piece of wine country. Every one of our city friends who came to visit had to navigate this road on their way to see us -- and every one of them was awed and maybe a little frightened by it. Halfway up was more than enough to understand how far we'd come -- literaly and figuratively. More than a few pulled into our driveway breathless. And they were the ones who drove it during the day.

I had a love/hate relationship with it.

I hated what the bumps and turns did to my car, the dust that it kicked up, the time-suck of having to travel it every day, how every plan we made had to start 20 minutes early so we could be on time. But I loved the way it snaked through a thick cover of trees, how broken light would shine through the tops of the branches in the Magic Hour, the sound of the gravel under my tires, the sightings of quail and deer and occasional rattlesnakes.

Still, I'm glad to be done with it, happy as hell it's in my past and maybe even a little proud that we had the balls to actually live on it. When we gave up city life for the country, we really gave up city life for the country.

I was on that old road today for the first time since we left. Unfortunately, some circumstances of our move have left a bad taste in my mouth and being there brought me some anxiety. But it wasn't all bad. I went up it to see our old neighbors -- and by neighbors, I mean they were nearly a quarter-mile down the road from us -- who were having a party. It was lovely to be there and I'm thrilled that I still knew how to navigate the road, remembered the general location of most the bumps and potholes, the familiarity of its turns and sights. The day was lovely, the view from the top was as clear as I can remember -- the recent rains painted the valley floor a deep green -- and it was wonderful to see my friends' place again. But I think the thrill of the drive is gone now. A mountain climbed, a tough task accomplished, been down that road, done that.

I think for awhile that road was our identity, our way of saying "look what we did it!" As seamless as it was to adjust to life here, it was still a really big move for us and I'm not sure we quite appreciate it, then or now. But having that crazy road between us and the rest of the world was our calling card. We almost needed it to prove we had made it here. I realized today we don't need it anymore. Maybe we never did.

Funny how that works, how the roads we travel, both real and imagined, can feel so vital and important for so long until one day they're just not anymore. Another stop along the way, something else to conquer always out there, waiting around that s-curve.

Today's shot is of my ex-neighbor Kathleen's roses. Shot it with my K100D and edited lightly in Photoshop.

365 Photo Project - Day 119

Taken: April 29, 2010, 3 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca.

Know what I was thinking about when I took this photo? The secret of life.

I am not kidding. As presumptuous as it sounds, I'm pretty sure I've discovered the secret of life.  I'm not going to make you wait any longer, either. The secret of life is ... paying attention.

Stop rolling your eyes. I'm totally serious. Think about it for a minute. Think about how many times you kicked yourself for missing something. You can tell yourself you were distracted or the signs were too subtle or whatever excuse you have handy at the moment. But if you're really honest with yourself, you know you weren't paying attention.

It's like that famous test where a roomful of criminology students are interrupted by a guy who runs in and does something crazy and suddenly leaves. More than half the class won't be able to tell you what he was wearing, will miss obvious details and even some students will be sure they saw something that didn't happen. Society runs by fast as shit I know. It's like we're in a bullet train and life is that blur speeding by us outside the window. No wonder we miss so much.

I started this project because I wanted to see more. I wanted to pay closer attention to the stuff that's happening around me. Here's the biggest revelation: I'm spending a lot less time online now. Crazy right? An internet project has got me to go offline more. Go figure but it's totally true. And in some ways, it's totally great. I've been visiting fewer web pages, posting less on message boards, concentrating more of my time sitting at the computer at creating (and yeah, editing photos too).  And best thing of all, I'm reading more.

Trust me, you learn a lot by shutting up and watching. By sticking your nose out and breathing in, by touching and feeling, tasting and hearing. And the more you concentrate on being aware I find, the more you're prepared for surprises, both physical and emotional. You'll amaze yourself by how much doesn't surprise you. Everything is in the details.

365 Photo Project - Day 116

Taken: April 26, 2010, 11:30 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca

It started to rain tonight. Haven't been keeping up with the weather reports so the inclement turn of events caught me by surprise. Here I was getting used to the sunshine.

Isn't that just how life is, always sneaking up to bite you in the ass? Shoulda known it was coming by the tenor of the sky this afternoon. I stepped outside for a break and it was heavy with bluish gray clouds. You could smell rain. But I didn't believe my eyes and ears. I'm so used to the lovely last few days, I figured whatever was stirring would pass on by with barely a whimper. Not quite. Spring's showers ain't done with us yet.

My husband tries to make sure we always have fresh flowers in the house. It's a wonderful idea and not too expensive if you dont care what kind of flowers you buy. We've got several vases around the house and every other week or so, he brings new flowers home to replace the old ones.

He doesn't think I notice but I always do. They make me happy.

Probably, I should tell him. Tomorrow I just might.

365 Photo Project - Day 75

Taken: March 16, 2010, 9:30 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca.

Another long day of running around doing stuff. I wasn't sitting at my writing desk until nearly 4 p.m. though I did make the most of it. I started into some work on my novel and by nearly eight, I had almost 2000 words. That's a good writing day no matter how you measure it.

As much running around as I did, though, I didn't really have a chance to get a good photograph. I tried a few things but nothing came out. So I set out to "create" one tonight, using my pug Chamuco, a single white rose (that's the same one here) and a little lighting. It was a challenge to get the black pug and the white rose in the same shot but I sort of managed it.

A little editing in photoshop was all it too.

I'm too tired tonight to write more -- I left it all on the page tonight which is the point anyway. But I will have some stuff to talk about in the coming days.

I'd like to end with a good wish for my good and dear friend, Susie, who had to put her cat Molly to sleep today. Molly's been sick the last few months but it's always a sad day when you have to say goodbye to the beloved creatures in our lives. Y'all know how I feel about my animals. The ups and downs of dealing with my older pug Louie, who has been ailing himself, has put thoughts of the end in the front of my mind. I just hope he'll let me know when it's time. Like I've said before, he's a fighter. And right now, he's hanging on with all four paws.

Rest in peace, Molly. I hope there's a cat heaven waiting for you and it's filled with lots of fish treats and bowls catnip, claw scratchers and cozy spots by the heater.

365 Photo Project - Day 68

Taken: March 9, 2010, approx. 8:30 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca

I'm feeling the spring thing big time, even today when it was as nippy as it gets around here. The weather Gods have been playing yo-yo with us the last week, sometimes within the same hour. We're getting heavy rains alternating with bouts of sunshine, heavy winds and temperatures that been as cold as 40 and as warm as 70. Go figure. I'm starting to feel sorry for the local weather forecasters. Seriously.

I've been messing around with my old school 50mm lens again and experimenting too with lightning at the same time. The truth is that as much and as long as I've called photography a hobby, I know very little about it. My ignorance makes me happy most of the time -- the freedom of shooting for the picture editor in my own heart is liberating and keeps the fun alive. But at the same time, the more I shoot, the more I want to know why something works -- or more importantly why it doesn't. And I look at other photos and think "how the hell did they do that?"  So, I'm testing and trying, seeing what comes out of it.

Tonight I spent an hour with a single white rose that I stole from the vase in our living room. I used the K100D with the 50mm lens, the internal flash and different lightning sources. I was trying for a more even and brighter lightning effect but I couldn't figure out quite how to get that. This is one of the few I was happy with and even then, I washed it through Photoshop and cropped it to get it to a place where I felt I could use it for today's photo.

I had to get something as I'd wasted half the day lying in bed with a heating pad on my sinuses -- remnants of last week's sick out. I'm sure the rapid change in the weather isn't helping. I finally got to my desk late this afternoon and didn't get home until almost eight. 

The days are getting longer and I've been writing more, hustling my ass to beat a deadline of my own. As many of you know, I'm a twice-published novelist and my long-awaited third novel remains (to my utter pain and humiliation) unpublished -- the nearly 1,500 pages of its three whole drafts sitting on the bookshelf in my office, staring back at my like a needy, petulant child. I am writing a new novel but it's not That One, that reminder of my one major failure in my brief novelist career, the only manuscript I've written that went unpublished. 

Why it wasn't published and how I feel about that and the manuscript itself is for another discussion. And, over the coming weeks, I expect to have a reason to talk more about it.  But the burden of going so long without a new book has been weighing on my heart more than ever. My own, personal albatross. I knew it was time to shake it off and there's only one way to do that.  So along with my other writing obligations, I'm working like the devil's on my heels on a new book -- my eye intermittently on that unpublished stack of pages on the shelf, and it's gaze on me.

Someone asked why I continue this blog when I'm putting so much effort into my daily work.  But in a way this project is a life-line for me, a way to draw out the debris in my very busy and distractible brain. I've realized that in large part, these few words I write and the photos I take each day, are helping me keep a daily rhythm, to stay the course. And, like I've said in earlier posts, it's giving my mind's eye an excuse to look around more. The result has added a layer to my writing -- more to see, more to talk about and examine. Whether it makes the final result better is still an open question, but I feel like it's made me a sharper, more attentive and focused writer.

So I'm going to stay the course here too.  Tomorrow's another day to wake up and wonder what words and pictures I'll discover.  Hell, only 297 days to go.

365 Photo Project - Day 67

Taken: March 8, 2010, approx. 8:30 p.m.
Location: Healdsburg, Ca

Wanted to try something a little different today.  I have a boxful of Pentax lenses, accessories and camera bodies. About 15 years ago, I bought a bunch of mostly Pentax stuff from a sports photographer at the newspaper where I worked (it was just about the time when everybody was making the switch to digital).

I think he sold me the whole box for around $150, which was a lot of money for me back in my lean reporter days. But it was a nice haul, including 300mm and 200mm fixed lenses, some camera bodies and other flashes, winders and even an old mini 110 camera.  I always meant to use everything, but you know how that goes. So I put most of it away with the Pentax stuff I've been collecting ever since I was a kid when my Dad gave me a used Sears branded camera (which just happened to be made for them by Pentax).

Flash forward to two years ago when I decided to buy a new DLSR.  I went with Pentax because it's so-called backwards compatible, which means I can use pretty much any Pentax K-mount lens, no matter how old it is. It is the only brand of digital camera that does this. Suddenly all my old stuff had new life.

I discovered through a friend that some of the lenses, which say "Asahi Opt, Co., Japan" on them are actually supposed to be of excellent quality and have a good reputation among serious photographers. Or at least they did back in the day. (Pentax, I believe, introduced the modern 35mm camera design to the world -- back when the company was called Asahi.)  Since many my lenses were purchased second hand and have been lying around collecting dust or just worn from use,  I've been systematically cleaning them up. Some I've done myself, others I had cleaned (and repaired if needed) professionally.

Now that I'm well into this project, I'm thinking the time has come to put them to use. Tonight, I was messing around with a 50mm 1:2 manual lens. My subject the sunflowers my husband got for the kitchen table. I love the sharpness of this shot and how yellow the yellow is, and I'm looking forward to more experimenting. I think my Dad would be proud. I backlit this image and used internal flash, then edited it in Photoshop. Taken, of course, with my K100D.