Friday, June 8, 2012

It's me, readers, are you out there?

I'm back. Again. I keep trying to recommit myself to blogging but life just keeps fucking up everything.
I know I'm laying blame at the feet of the every day as opposed to my horribly inefficient use of time, but I've decided to try again with baby steps. Oh, there will be big, leaping, T-Rex baby steps for sure, but I cannot promise them every day.
I can only try.
Exactly what am I trying at?
I'm not sure how to explain where I am in the world inside my head. Saying "I'm lost" is not accurate, but it's not so far off from the truth. I think perhaps that I am a writer who has filled her brain with too much stuff. It's not bad stuff, which is kind of part of the trouble.
I have always valued my own curiosity for the world and it has served me well, especially for the writing. But often I feel the lure of the "I can do that" and this thing has arms like an octopus, each independent of the other, each yanking me in many directions. Oh, but they are interesting directions, and they fascinate me, endlessly. But like getting lost in the streets of Venice, you can walk off too far, and discover it's almost dark and you have no idea how to get back, you're hungry and your cellphone battery is nearly dead and your Italian, like your sense of direction, is not very good indeed.
And this is where I find myself. I am on a narrow and dark street, its stones echoing under the soles of my shoes, bouncing off the ancient buildings like a tappity-tap of a clock ticking in my head. Like a bad omen.
Work calls from a distance place, somewhere around the right corner, if I could even find it. But, if you'll pardon the stretching of this metaphor, I'll be damned if I know what's around the next corner and even if I can find my way back, it won't be the same way that I got here.
And, really, the point isn't going back, it's moving forward. It's finding the love again, it's tapping into my soul of my soul, my writer's heart, the thing that is me and I it.
So, I guess I'm on a journey now. Looking for me.
I hope I can find her.